I grew up in a male world–a family of five, the youngest of 3 and the only girl. Which any of those tests about birthplace ranking for personality sort of has it wrong for me. Shockingly, dear readers, I don’t fit the mold of the “baby” because I was also the “oldest” girl.
My brothers were about a half a lifetime away, however, they were my best tormenters and my fiercest protectors when it came to anyone else tormenting me. They were also a great source of entertainment and my brother, Jerry, still is.
Our unit of 5 is now a unit of 3 and Jerry and I are the only 2 children left. That’s been a tough one but it is a part of living so we try to remember all the years of memories and not the harsh reality of being without.
Jerry, as I frequently tell him, is so wrong he is right. He is super smart, scathingly quick-witted with rapier speed and will call like it is. If you want sugar-coating, you better buy a powdered donut as it doesn’t exist with him. He’s not harsh–just direct. I have begged for years for him to attend an open mic night as he is hilarious. His current station in life has provided him with several true life experiences that would make for a great book or good laugh and I am still working on that one.
He usually has a story for any occasion and we typically catch up with our lives on early morning phone calls over coffee. This is just one of them that he relayed over an early Saturday morning chat:
The names have been changed to protect the guilty……
Several years ago, I believe a former teacher of his, was still living on her own in the small burg near where we grew up. My brother was doing some odd jobs for this lady as she was elderly and sometimes the task of home ownership becomes a struggle in those years. He did a few things here and there and as she would come out and give him water or lemonade and oversee progress, there were two constant companions: her cane and her little Chihuahua/Jack Russel mix, Buster.
Buster was a happy little dog and brought a great deal of joy to the lady and they were good companions to each other. One day, the lady called my brother in desperation. She had fallen and had to go to care facility for rehabilitation and had no one to care for Buster. As he told me, the “evil b*tch daughter refused to take the dog and was going to send him to the pound” so he had agreed to take care of Buster until the lady returned home.
I nearly spewed my coffee.
We grew up on a farm and have had animals and pets but not small dogs. Buster must have made a favorable impression for him to agree as caretaker for an undetermined length of time.
He went to the lady’s house to collect Buster and his belongings and the lady insisted on sending a partial bag of dog food with him.
As the weeks progressed, Buster’s food supply needed to be restocked and a trip to Wallyworld provided a comparable ingredient list to Buster’s original bag and the purchase was made.
Jerry presented a fresh bowl to Buster and he refused to eat–picking up a morsel and then spitting it out. Comparable list or not, Buster was not having it so Jerry grabbed the bag and the receipt and headed back to Wallyworld to exchange.
“So, I rolled in on a Saturday morning at 9:15 and thought I would be in and out like a ninja. As it turned out, Saturday mornings are like every other day and it was the usual line of 50 customer’s returning things”.
I inwardly groaned. He doesn’t do well with lines.
“When it was my turn, I presented the receipt to our ‘customer service’ rep and explained I needed to return the dog food. She asked if there was a problem and I said the dog didn’t like it. She gave me a smirk and asked how did I know the dog didn’t like it?”
I tightened the grip on the phone as I KNEW this is where it was going to get interesting. As well as lines, there is no patience for suffering fools.
“I spread my fingers and placed palms hands down on the counter and leaned my full weight into them”.
I sharply inhaled and held my breath waiting for the outcome of this customer service gal.
“I explained to her that I knew he didn’t like it when picked up a piece, chewed twice, spit it out and immediately turned around and started licking his ass to get the taste out of his mouth”.
Amid gales of laughter, I could hardly breathe to get the words out! “How did that work?”
“She didn’t see the humor but the other customers loved it and I got my refund”
It still makes me giggle.
Buster and the lady were rejoined and happily lived out the rest of their years together.
Jerry is still collecting stories for me and I will share them. Wallyworld will probably never be the same…….